Sunday afternoon I was talking with a friend and expressed my wish that my NFOO would, simply, "leave me the fuck alone".
I had decided not to respond to NF's latest attempt to guilt me into submission while tossing a couple more COMPLETELY UNFOUNDED accusations in my direction: "I know you resent us pointing out how really old we are" and "you have tried to ignore our existence". Along with that, he offered up a good dose of gaslighting: "we are still pondering over what you mean by anger and attack" and a tiny dose of minimizing my concerns: "I’m sure they are not serious offenses."
Back story: Last summer the NPs moved into a very upscale retirement residence, so they no longer have their own phone number. I was told by my cousin, you call the residence main line and punch in the apartment number to reach your party. I'm guessing you can leave messages but, it seems, for over four thousand dollars a month the staff are not willing to help the residents access these messages!
Since, I'm unsure of the number my NPs would call on I routinely screen all unrecognized numbers. So, here's the message NM left last night:
"Hi (mulderfan)...uh, we've been having some messages left and...uh, we didn't know if it's you trying to call us...uh, we can't...we seem to mess up being able...bringing these messages up so I just thought I'd phone and ask you if it was you that was trying to call us cause each time we're down...each time it's when we go to supper at 5:00 and each time it's when we go to supper.
So, I thought I'd give you a ring and see if it was you. OK...bye."
This is what I wrote last August: "under the present circumstances, I think it best if we work toward resolving things by communicating in writing." Since that time, my NPs have made ABSOLUTELY NO ATTEMPT AT GENUINE COMMUNICATION, so why the fuck would I waste my breath calling them?
Nice try NM!
Not always funny
45 minutes ago
A fishing expedition. They are going on a fishing expedition. Are you hooked yet? Hugs. Sorry that the simplest request can't be honored.
ReplyDeleteI agree...totally a fishing expedition...
DeleteHow bizarre. It's also implying that if it was you, you're calling at an INCONVIENT time since it's their CHOW time.
ReplyDeleteI bet these stupid issues (wondering if it was you who called them) keep them occupied for hours. What a crazy, creepy pair.
((hugs)) and of course, they are baiting that rusty old hook that they're so used to tossing into the lake. Grrrrrrr!!
Nice try is right. Good on you for seeing right through her latest trick. It's the old "I'll just find a loophole" routine.
ReplyDeleteYou know...she doesn't have to abide by the "communication in writing" rule if she gets a couple of phone calls where the person leaves a message. Because LOGICALLY, it could have been you calling, right?
Bullshit. She's just found a loophole to the rule so that she could break it and feign ignorance. It's bullshit and your silence will be what calls her on it.
That's the way these narcs operate - you set the rule (boundary) and they find a way to break it - which is where your assertiveness comes in: You've got the right to stand firm. And that's what you're doing! Good on you, Mulderfan!
It's all about them, and what they want. What you want doesn't even register.
ReplyDeleteThanks friends! This is TOTAL bullshit!
ReplyDeleteMy NF, who discovered by accident, he has a VERY mild case of Type II Diabetes, NEVER misses an opportunity to remind EVERYONE he MUST eat EXACTLY FIVE O'CLOCK!
They know, that even a "loser" like me knows enough not to call them at the appointed time for NF's dinner. Furthermore, even someone as "dumb" as me would have enough sense to pick another time if I REPEATEDLY didn't get an answer at 5:00.
The call will not be returned!
I honestly even question the "pretext" allegedly behind this call/"fishing expedition"/hook. Since the intentionally provocative "note" didn't produce the "desired results" they simply up the ante. And bold-face lies as the impetus behind their latest tactic certainly aren't.....unheard of!
ReplyDelete"The call will not be returned." YEEESSS! Way to go, Ms. Mulderfan!
Tundra Woman
Where I get really frustrated in the game playing is that underneath these maneuvers, is there any genuine feeling? Is your mom hoping that it was you calling? Is your dad hoping to reconnect? What do THEY want from you? (I know it's still a mystery...) And if they want you in their lives, why aren't they willing to engage in genuine communication, rather than tantrums and shouting matches that drive you further away? We can't answer these questions for them, and apparently they refuse to answer them in any straightforward respectful way. So we're left with these games - what a farce!
ReplyDeleteI can really relate to your situation because we love our parents, but their limitations are so entrenched that we can't deal with it, we KNOW we can't change it, so we're left to walk away. And yet even that solution leaves us open to the easy-to-dish-out blame. I get angry when I see someone being treated like they are wrong for walking away from a bad situation - when I see the same games played out in all of our lives like a script! Grrr!
I'm happy to be sharing the path of authenticity with you, and send you all my love and support as you remain grounded in your truth.
xo!
upsi
Upsi, the question is do they want a healthy relationship with their daughter or do they just miss their favourite doormat?
DeleteI first requested some genuine communication back on August 7th last year which brings me to my next question. Do they really have no idea how to communicate, or even offer a simple apology, or are they playing head games hoping I'll back down?
At this stage in the game the only answer to both questions is: Fuck 'em!
Your support means so much to me, upsi! XXXOOO
I think partly they really don't know how to communicate, at least not in a healthy way. They can't cognitively handle any version of reality that doesn't involve you being in the wrong in some way. They literally can't hear it, as if you were speaking another language - and they didn't know there other languages to begin with.
Delete